Hey there, hoodrats. Sit down and stay awhile.
I’m Maggie. Maybe you know me from real life (weird). Maybe you know me from twitter, or instagram, or one of my previous blogs (even weirder). Or maybe you’re a complete stranger from Stockholm or somewhere crazy like that (still weird, but also kind of cool.) Either way, glad you’re here. In case you’re a stranger, or we haven’t caught up in awhile, or you know me well but are feeling nosy as hell, let me bring you up to speed…
Currently I’m getting my Master’s degree in beautiful LA county, which is actually not beautiful and instead an utter shithole that smells like smog and vegans and I’m counting down the days until I finish my degree and can GTFO. But I digress – that’s a story for another day. My professional resume would include information about my Bachelor’s degree in English (which was clearly not the best investment, as will be evidenced by a preponderance of run-on sentences and creative grammatical choices throughout this blog) and the string of strange, fun, and pathetic jobs I worked between undergrad and grad school. It might even include something about the fitness blogs I ran a couple years back, and my brief stint writing commentary for a reality TV show that now makes me nauseous (but I’ll still watch as a deeply guilty pleasure).
But the real stuff isn’t what you’ll find in a formal resume. My real-life resume would include things like:
- poor grad student who is really good at spending most of her budget on food
- single lady who is hopelessly bad at talking to men
- crazy dame who once ran a half marathon before regaining her sanity/hatred of running
- the kind of woman who is turned on by the sight of a firearm
- music school dropout who still sings too loud in the car and shower
- crock pot wizard and passionate Costco-er
- lover of black coffee, whiskey, and pretty much anything John Wayne would drink
- sprawled out sleeper who takes up more than her share of the bed
- one of those people who enjoys the company of dogs more than most humans
- relatively small human who has the appetite of a young T-rex
- secretly wishes she were a mutant so she could be part of the X-Men
- has a tenuous grasp on reality and still thinks she may grow taller and/or into a bigger bra size…at the age of 26.
- the kind of dirty-minded person with whom you should never play Cards Against Humanity
My friends will also tell you that I have no filter. I’m the one making jokes about prison sex at work, standing 10 feet from the door of our director’s office. As one of my best friends once told me, “It’s a good thing you don’t drink too much, because when you’re sober, you already say more than most people would say when they’re completely smashed.” I’m honest, but not to a fault (because I don’t see any fault in being honest), and 80% of the time I’m laughing or trying to make other people laugh. Life is too short not to laugh at ourselves and each other.
And that’s kind of what I hope to do here: talk candidly about the good and the bad, and find the humor in all of it. Hope yall will buckle up, grab some moonshine, and join me for the ride.