This one goes all for all my dudes out there. Well, not my dudes. I’m not polyamorous. I don’t have a boyfriend right now, let alone enough for a little lady-harem love tribe. But I mean “my dudes” as in my amigos out there reading this. Or, you know, strangers out there reading this. Or, quite possibly, my dad, who is one of the two people who read this blog (the other one being my mum).
Let’s start over: This is for all yall men out there who have a lady you want to impress this Valentine’s day. I know we womenfolk have a reputation for being finnicky and difficult to please, so I figured I would make it easy by giving you a comprehensive list of the most romantic things you can do for a girl. And since I know you fellas tend to wait till the last minute to plan anything, this should be coming right on schedule for yall. To be clear, if and when you put any of these suggestions into play, you assume all liability. Risks include driving your girlfriend’s friends into fits of jealousy, making your girl pee her pants with happiness, causing her to spontaneously ovulate, and dropping panties so hard there’s a hole in the floor from here to China (and trust me, nobody wants to deal with the legal issues that go with that).
And Dad, if you’re still reading, you might want to skip this one. It’s not quite PG.
The 13 Most Romantic Things You Can Do For A Girl
A Comprehensive List
- Take her out for her favorite food. Girls love food. If they say they don’t, they’re lying. Our undying love for cheese and bread (and their various combinations) makes up approximately 50% of what we talk about when we’re together, and the other 50% is split between guys we like and crude eggplant emoji jokes. So buy your girl some food, and never trust a girl who doesn’t eat.
- Show off your giant….vocabulary. Seriously. When it comes to words, size matters. And if you know how to use those big, beautiful words? Well, your girl’s going to want to have your babies.
- Take her grocery shopping. This might just be me, but grocery shopping is practically a hobby for me. Eating is my other hobby, so it balances out (at least in my head; the scale is a different story). But if ya girl likes to cook and likes to eat, take her to her favorite grocery store and buy her favorite foods for her. This will work especially well if she’s a graduate student and/or poor, which are basically the same thing.
- Cook for her. Yes, I realize these are basically all about food. I’m not sorry. Food is a universal love language. The key here is to find a meal that your girlfriend enjoys and that you can cook well. For example, if her favorite meal is chicken cordon bleu, but you can barely toast bread without creating a catastrophe, you might want to go with toaster strudels and orange slices rather than chicken cordon bleu. Likewise, if you can cook a mean rack o’ ribs but your lady is a vegetarian, you might want to gather some leaves and berries from the forest instead of frying up a delicious animal carcass for her. (For the record, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that should you find yourself dating a vegetarian, you should really reevaluate your life choices.) But seriously, cook for her. Bonus points if you pour her a tumbler of whiskey (or, you know, a glass of wine if she’s a lightweight) and order her to to take a bubble bath while you prepare a meal that’s going to knock her socks off. Don’t worry about making her favorite dessert – grab some edible panties, and your dessert is taken care of…and she won’t remember her last name, much less whether you whipped up any tiramisu.
- Squeeze her bum. We love that, you love that, everybody’s happy (and possibly horny). I even heard they’re updating that book, “The 5 Love Languages,” to include ass-grabbing as the 6th love language. I’m not talking a half-assed “pattycake” type spanking, either. You grab that sucker like it’s a liferaft and you’re floating the middle of the Pacific and you don’t know how to swim. Hold it like it’s the cuddliest little bulldog puppy you ever met, and he just happens to be shaped like a couple hobbit-sized beach balls. (Full disclosure: I was going to say “canteloupes,” but usually people use that melons to describe tits, and I didn’t feel like mixing metaphors would be a great idea when it comes to body parts. But do you know how many comparably shaped/sized objects there are in the world that can be used in an analogy for asscheeks? Not many, amigos. Not many at all. That’s why you should appreciate your girl’s bum, in all it’s bouncy spankable glory.)
- Procure her favorite kind of alcohol. Allow her to consume said alcohol and get all tipsy and adorable. You have to keep your shit together, though, because you have to take cute videos and to show her the next morning how adorable she is when she’s inebriated. Also you might want to plan to take her out for a nice greasy diner breakfast, depending on how hungover she gets.
- Talk about politics and current events. Doesn’t matter if you agree on everything or not, just get a good discussion going. Articulate why you think what you do about domestic and foreign affairs, and challenge her to do the same. If you can hold your own and show that you take it upon yourself to stay educated on what is going on in the world and in Washington, your ladyfriend is going to lose her panties before you can say, “laissez-faire.” (And that’s not an alternative fact.)
- Vacuum her car for her. Maybe it’s just me, but that is one of the least enjoyable chores. Washing the outside of the car is fine, it’s fun, it can be a good excuse to put on a bikini and cover yourself in soap suds. But vacuuming out your car requires contorting yourself into weird positions and getting tied up in extension cords…it’s generally a loud, hot, slightly sweaty affair, but not in any of the fun ways. So vacuum the poor woman’s car for her, and then put that clean backseat to good use.
- Write something. Sure, some people will say that you should write something poetic and poignant about your relationship or your love for her, but I don’t think it needs to be that way. You could write out the lyrics to Sir Mixalot’s “Baby Got Back” on a Denny’s napkin and frame it, and the right girl will be brought to tears. Hell, you could even just scribble both your names on some construction paper and draw hearts around it. She’ll love it, just like your mum loved your crappy little crayola-sketches back when you were little enough to need help wiping your own butt. Except you can wipe for yourself now (for the love of Abraham, let’s hope you can) and she’s not your mum, but, you know…aside from that, it’s basically the same thing.
- Get her a gift card for a massage. We’re not talking some bitchass massage at those little mall kiosks. I mean a legit massage where she might actually cry from pain but it’s actually a good thing because she’s had those knots in her back for years and it’s high time some freakingly strong Swedish lady ground them to smithereens with her bare hands. And yes, sure, you could give her a massage, but it will be nowhere near as good. In theory it sounds nice, because you could set up candles and dim the lights and play some Kenny G or Boyz II Men or whatever the cool kids listen to these days, and it would be romantic as hell, right? Wrong. We both know that 10 minutes in you’re going to be sporting a partial, and in your excitement you’ll start knocking things over, and then you’ll end up spilling coconut oil all over both of you – but not in a sexy way, like a “porpoise caught in an oil spill off the coast of Argentina” kind of way – and it’s only a matter of time until someone tips over a candle and everyone ignites in a fiery blaze of passion and grease fire. In the end, it’s one giant, slippery, coconutty, fire hazard. Plus, let’s be real, unless you’re a coal miner from Appalachia or a professional Russian wrestler, you probably don’t have the grip strength to really give your girl the kind of massage she needs. Let’s leave that to the masseuse with the foreign accent and forearms the size of your thighs, ok?
- Surprise her with a trip to Disneyland. This is a little dicey, and potentially a logistical challenge to make it a complete surprise. I realize that, and I only recommend them because I think you have the cajones to pull it off. The payoff is not that you’ll be at the happiest place on earth with the girl you’re crazy about, although that’s the icing on the cake, if you’re into that, I guess. The real payoff is that you’ll be at Disneyland, which is a place that turns any reasonable grown woman into a giddy little girl and transports her to a time when she was carefree, wide-eyed with wonder, and magic was real (and not just something her creepy uncle pretended to do at children’s parties for his latest side gig.) Bottom line: When you retreat to your hotel room after a day of making her feel like the luckiest little girl in the world, she’ll be all too happy to call you daddy while wearing nothing more than a pair of Minnie Mouse ears. Also, I hear they have really delicious churros there.
- Buy her the yoga pants that you would love to see her wear. Girls love yoga pants – and if they say they don’t, they’re lying – so she’ll be thrilled. You get to see her in yoga pants, so you’ll be thrilled. If you’re lucky, you can even convince her to actually do yoga in said yoga pants – buy her a yoga mat and some kind of pilates DVD, though, and you just might make it happen. (Just don’t set up the tripod and camera where she will notice them. That’s a rookie mistake.)
- Pick her up, pin her against the door, and kiss her like you want to put a baby in her. Self-explanatory, and yes – sometimes it really is that simple.
And there you have it – all the insider tricks you need to make sure your favorite girl enjoys the most romantic Valentine’s day ever. Ladies (or dudes who’ve developed extraordinary prowess in the art of wooing women), if you there is anything I missed, holler at me in the comments below!
If you’re one of the fellas who doesn’t have a lucky lady in your life, well, you can call up your local Domino’s. They deliver. And unlike a girlfriend, the delivery boy shouldn’t mind if you answer the door wearing nothing but your underwear, a baseball mitt, and a Camelbak filled with Jack Daniels.